well, i have scheduled an appointment next week to go see my dr for a follow up appointment.  we'll talk about this past cycle, and what we're going to do next.  since we have 7 frozen embryos, i do plan to use them.  i just don't know when.  we have a business trip scheduled for january, and i'd like to take some time off from injections.  so, maybe in the next few months, we'll start again.  i'm told that frozen cycles are soo much easier.  i hope so.  keep us in your prayers.
thanks  :)

~~LLC

:(

thanks for all your encouraging txts over the last few days.  i'm sorry i haven't responded...i probably won't. although i did drag myself out of bed and make myself take a shower today.  some of you have asked what's my next step, and honestly i don't know.  for me, just making myself get up was a big task.  i'm not thinking about what's next. 

imagine, the one thing you want more than anything in life...(think about it)...the one thing you've been desperately praying & maybe even fasting over.   and then you get a call to say "i'm sorry", but you're not going to get it. i'm sure not many of you can say you understand.  i'm beyond shattered.  i somehow knew it probably wouldn't happen, and i'm not being negative here, believe me.  after 6+ years, you just learn to be realistic. 

thank you for the bible verses, and songs you have sent, although i can't say i'm much up to diving into them yet. 

eventually i will.

~~LLC

:(

tomorrow is the day!!!!

ohmygosh.  i can't believe it's finally almost here!!!

so, change of plans by the way.

my nurse called me today to confirm all the details (because she's off tomorrow & saturday)...i had decided that it would be best for me to wait until saturday because of work tomorrow.  when she called (btw, she's completely beyond awesome), she seemed worried that i wouldn't get the results on saturday for different reasons.  one being that since their office closes at 12, my local lab wouldn't get the results to them in time, plus working with limited saturday staff made her hesitant about being 100% sure i would get my results.  which would then postpone me knowing until monday--UGH!  so, i asked her if it would be ok to change back to tomorrow...going in early to have blood drawn, and then not checking my message until after work.  i know it sounds impossible, but i've waited this long...i can wait thru the work day...i think.

i'm pretty positive i'll cry either way...so i'd rather not be at work when i get the news anyway (who wants the crazy crying girl to fill their prescriptions), and clint can listen to the voice message with me.  it's such a personal message, i'll be better to hear it at home.  on my own couch.  sobbing my eyes out because either 1) after a long 6 years, i will finally get the one thing i've wanted more than anything, or 2) realize i have to keep on keeping on...

either way, i'll post the update tomorrow.  good or bad.  i can't even say how i feel right now.  i know i won't sleep at all tonight!  i'm nervous.  excited.  scared.  hopeful.  still dizzy.  overwhelmed.  stressed.  and somewhat at peace, strangely enough.  :)

thank for, thank you, thank you for your prayers...means more than you all will ever know!!!

~~LLC

...thursday....

well, by now, i'm down to getting thru this wait by days.  all i have to do is get thru thursday now.  it's been a long rough week.  this is terrible.  and i'm not a patient person...when it comes to something i want (which is clearly what God had in mind teaching me thru this whole process).  the worst part is waiting.  not the needles, not getting up at 5 and driving to nashville 500 times, but the wait. 

monday, i had some bleeding (and passed a small clot), and was pretty sure this was over.  i cried for 2 days straight at work.  thank you for those of you, who actually had to witness this awful sight when you came in to pick up your meds, and gave me encouraging words.  i'm not sure how i would've fared those days if it were not for you.  seriously.  i called my nurse and she said to keep the faith, and keep waiting it out until i test.  which now is actually going to be saturday.  i decided it wasn't a good idea to get this news at work, in case it happens to be negative.  plus i'd be a wreck waiting til i got that message, and nobody wants me preparing their medicine in this state!  i can't leave work, b/c we'll be too busy and shorthanded.  since i don't work on saturday, and can sleep in FOR ONCE, i'm going to go to the hospital and have my blood work, come home and wait until the nurse calls me with the news.  she said it shouldn't be any later than 1:00.  i have to have blood work, instead of a regular home pregnancy test because of the hormones injections.  they could give a false negative since they are not out of my system yet.

saturday at 1:00.  or before.  i should know, if thru this terrible week of thinking i lost one or both of the embryos implanted last week, are hanging on for the long haul (or 8.5 months). 

thank you for your extra prayers this week...i really needed them....

~~LLC

day: i don't know anymore...

ok, i know it's been several days since i've posted.  i'm sorry, but thank you thank you thank you for checking on me otherwise to make sure im ok.  i am just that...ok.

i've had a hard week.  a trying week.  just say a few extra prayers.  thanks.

~~LLC

Day 47. The day after the transfer.

the 1st day of waiting.  plus, on top of having to wait, i have to be on bedrest!  it actually sounds way better than it really is!  instead of sleeping, i read online all about the 2 week wait from other women's blogs...which i can't really say if it helped or hurt.  today, i'm feeling more like i will be starting soon (very crampy) instead of those 2 little guys clinging on.  i've been told that's the same feeling...but i'm tired, and terribly bloated (thanks to hanz & franz). yeah, i named them.  :)  still on the IM shots in my hips, but i only have 9 MORE DAYS!!!  if i test positive, then i can stop the shots, and switch to a vaginal tablet for 6 more weeks.  i feel like a little kid at christmas time, counting down the days!  :)

so i called my voicemail box today (to check on the rest of my fertilized babies), and the message said that after the 15 fertilized eggs, (including the 2 we implanted yesterday),  now we have 7 left over to freeze.  they will keep them as long as i want them to, as long as we pay the monthly fee to keep them there! 

i have actually been watching my own FRIENDS marathon on dvr.  i'm currently on the one where chandler and monica are cooking thansgiving dinner and talking about how this could be their last thanksgiving together as just a couple, and then by the end of the episode they find out they're getting a baby--now i'm all choked up--DANG HORMONES!  Thanks for waiting with me, and checking on me--the wait will be so much easier with good friends.


happy thanksgiving ya'll  :)

~~LLC